I’m Enough, Not Perfect Though. Oasis blog by Mikoto Masui

Be Kind to Yourself? 

‘Be kind to yourself’? Absolutely NOT! You shouldn’t think like that, otherwise you’ll never be able to develop! 

This is how I felt before I first learned about the idea of self-compassion. Up until recently, I’d always been pretty strict with myself, especially when I was back in my home country, Japan. I believed that pushing myself to do more would help me to grow even more.  

Perhaps this way of thinking comes the Japanese term ‘Ganbaru’(頑張る), a verb for encouragement to overcome oneself. Ganbaru does not have a direct translation, but it usually expresses whether an individual can cope with hardship. When I was in Japan, I would always encourage someone by saying “Ganbare (never give up or go for it)!” Likewise, my family and friends would say Ganbare to me when I was in a difficult situation; I knew how to encourage myself and others, but I never knew how to have compassion for people facing challenges, including myself. 

I still think that a concept like Ganbaru may help you achieve your goals or ambitions, as I did. It is hard work to strive for high goals, but at the same time, it can be rewarding to feel accomplished and accepted by others after making great efforts. I know that feeling. However, such feelings started to cause me a lot of trouble in my student life. 

Fear of Failure 

For me, it has always been important to do things perfectly – even at the expense of sleep or leisure time. I wanted to hear those around me say I did a great job. But at the same time, I always felt fear of failure and a lack of self-confidence. Such negative thoughts often got in the way of me seizing important opportunities. I wanted to get rid of my thinking habit. 

Studies have recognized the downside of perfectionism. For instance, Sudirman et al. (2023) identified perfectionism and fear of failure as psychological factors to students’ procrastination. The same study argues that it is important to balance high standards – that can motivate success – and good mental and physical health. When I was studying in Japan, I never paid attention to the latter. 

My Encounter with Self-Compassion 

We cannot show ourselves compassion if we don't acknowledge we're in pain. 
(Neff, 2023, p. 196) 

In Spring 2024, I got to know the idea of self-compassion through the Keys to Your Wellbeing series by OASIS of Radical Wellbeing. One of the topics, “Self-Compassion With a Fierce Twist”, was one of the topics, and it was eye-opening. I went through the article and the exercise on that webpage to figure out this concept. 

At first, I was a bit suspicious about being compassionate toward myself. I thought self-compassion was something like self-pity or being selfish. I even thought it could mean weakness. But as I read through the webpage, I came to understand why I always lacked confidence despite my efforts and suffered from self-criticism. 

The article was based on studies by Kristin Neff, American educational psychologist. According to her, “self-compassionate people are motivated to achieve, but for intrinsic reasons, not because they want to garner social approval” (Neff, 2023. p.204.)  

Neff also demonstrates that such a supportive stance can also encourage greater self-confidence that leads to successful motivation. This was good news for me. I started thinking that I could finally get rid of my low self-confidence. Another good news was that self-compassion is not a special skill or ability; you can practice self-compassion! 

To Feel “I’m Enough” 

“I’m good enough. Look back at what I have done, it’s great! 

After reading the article and doing the exercise, I noticed a small but significant change in the way I talked to myself. One day I started criticising myself and hearing negative inner voices as usual. Maybe it was just because I could not complete all the tasks I had planned for that day or something. But at the same time, I also heard other supportive voices like "It's okay, I did a good job" and "I'm good enough. Look at what I have done, it's great!" 

Harsh self-criticism does not go away easily. However, these gentle, compassionate voices helped me accept what I have achieved. When I was able to practise self-compassion, I was able to focus on the positive aspects of myself too!  I could not have done it without learning about self-compassion and practise it by myself. Now it is much easier for me to stay motivated to study and work. 

You can also listen to this podcast:  The Best Thing Today Fierce Self-Compassion. I like listening to The Best Thing Today podcast series while taking a walk or commuting. The podcast is available on Spotify, Apple Podcast, and Google Podcast. 

One more tip: Are you on Instagram? Follow @AALTOWELLBEING to get some helpful information about wellbeing!!  

References 

Neff K. D. (2023). Self-Compassion: Theory, Method, Research, and Intervention. Annual review of psychology, 74, 193–218. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-psych-032420-031047 

Sudirman, S. A., Reza, F. A., Yusri, N. A., Rina, R., & Bah, M. (2023). Putting Off Until Tomorrow: Academic Procrastination, Perfectionism, and Fear of Failure. International journal of Islamic educational psychology, 4(1), 136-153. https://doi.org/10.18196/ijiep.v4i1.17576