Are you sympathetic or judgmental about the qualities you don't like about yourself? Do you see your flaws as part of being human or do you think others surely are happier and better than you? Your answers to these questions may indicate either self-compassion or self-criticism.

What does self-compassion mean?

Most people are familiar with the term 'compassion'. It means kindness, warmth and understanding towards others when they are facing failures or hard times. Self-compassion is about directing the same understanding towards oneself. So, instead of strict self-criticism and harsh judgment, we offer ourselves kindness and support when we fail or face difficulties in life. Self-compassion is expressed through kindness and appreciation towards ourselves, as well as taking care of ourselves without judgment. For example, when facing a difficulty, you can ask yourself what you would need right now, or imagine how you would treat a friend in a similar situation.

American educational psychologist Kristin Neff has studied self-compassion extensively for the past twenty years and is known as a pioneer in the field of self-compassion. According to Neff, the three elements of self-compassion are 1) being gentle and kind toward oneself when suffering or failing, 2) willingness to notice, accept and face all feelings mindfully and 3) recognizing that suffering is part of the shared human experience. Together these three components promote mental wellbeing and resilience in difficult situations. 

Self-compassion often manifests as gentle and caring behaviour towards oneself. However, when necessary, it can also turn into fierce and firm behaviour, for example when it's necessary to defend oneself, set boundaries, or motivate change. Self-compassion is not about elevating oneself above criticism or other people, but rather about reinforcing the idea that imperfection is normal.

Why is self-compassion worthwhile?

So, what are the benefits of self-compassion? Why is it worth both practicing and learning more about? Studies have found links between higher self-compassion and improvements in wellbeing, resilience, and mental health. Furthermore, having more self-compassion has been connected with less anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts. It has also been observed that a person who practices self-compassion experiences stronger feelings of competence and autonomy. In the workplace, it can impact employees' happiness, performance and ability to cope with challenges.

In this individualistic and competitive world, gentle behaviour towards oneself may seem like a surprising suggestion. Shouldn't one, on the contrary, beat oneself up to even harder performances? No, because self-compassion by no means equals laziness or lack of ambition. Conversely: perseverance, risk tolerance and the ability to take responsibility may even increase with acts of self-compassion. Fierce self-compassion encourages you to take action for matters important to you, so it can help you achieve your personal goals, or bring about change in your life or society as a whole. 

In studies among college students, those who practiced self-compassion experienced less fear of failure and were more motivated and self-confident than their non-self-compassionate peers. Hence, they dared to take on more challenges and chances. Researchers have observed that individuals with increased self-compassion exhibit less procrastination on study assignments and have fewer negative reactions to various situations. It might be easier to start working on an assignment when you don't expect perfection. 

One can also learn from mistakes. With the help of self-compassion, we may dare to face our mistakes and correct our actions. Without self-compassion, the feeling of shame quickly causes us to try and forget that we even failed – instead of pausing to reflect on what went wrong.

Self-compassion also influences the sense of safety. For example, when we face an external threat, or one caused by self-criticism, our sympathetic nervous system is activated and causes a “fight, flight or freeze” reaction. Even envisioning compassion is enough to trigger the parasympathetic nervous system, which calms and makes one see things and situations clearly, unlike in a state of fear. Instead of constant stress and burden, a person feels better and more positive. According to research, self-compassion may also reduce the symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder after a traumatic experience.

Self-compassion is not a question of selfishness or self-pity. Instead, according to research, practicing it increases compassion towards other people as well. When we realize that our mistakes and problems are a part of being human, it is easier for us to create a connection with others. Instead of isolating from others when we are in a bad place, self-compassion makes us turn towards others. When loneliness is a growing individual and societal challenge, all steps towards other people are desired and needed. According to Neff, it's easier to be gentle and present for others when you act that way towards yourself. By staying supportive of ourselves (tender self-compassion) and simultaneously encouraging ourselves to support causes we consider important (fierce self-compassion), we can, for example, drive societal change without sacrificing our own well-being for the cause.

What is the relationship between self-compassion and self-criticism?

Do you catch yourself having thoughts like How did I manage to screw this up? Everyone else, except me, knows how to do this task. My work has and will have no value, I'm just a nuisance. If so, that might be a rigorous inner critic talking.

Self-criticism shows up as hard criticism, exacerbated problems, over-identification with the problems, and isolation from others. It has also been found to increase the likelihood of depression. While self-compassion encourages taking up new challenges, self-criticism may cause anxiety, lack of motivation and incomplete performance. Harmful thoughts can crush all courage and enthusiasm.

In studies, self-criticism is often seen as the opposite of self-compassion. However, the results of the AllWell? study wellbeing questionnaire, conducted annually at Aalto, show that self-criticism and self-compassion are not directly dependent on each other. In the 2022 survey, with more than 2,000 respondents, a little more than half viewed themselves as either self-critical or somewhat self-critical. However, around 80 percent of the respondents had a sympathetic or somewhat sympathetic attitude towards themselves. The connection between self-criticism and self-compassion is, therefore, more complex.

Self-compassion is more than just overcoming self-criticism. It is about constantly showing compassion and care for oneself. Neff describes this as the ability to be emotionally present to oneself in difficult situations: being mindful of one's miseries and offering support and encouragement when needed. Self-compassion requires courage and the will to face unpleasant sensations instead of avoiding them. Learning to be mindful is, therefore, important!

Growth mindset supports learning

In addition to self-compassion, adopting a growth mindset can help in challenging situations. According to Carol Dweck's research, one’s attitude significantly affects one’s ability to learn. Someone with a growth mindset believes that abilities, character, and intelligence can develop. In contrast, someone with a fixed mindset considers these as permanent traits. 

Typically all of us have a mix of growth and fixed mindsets; we may believe we can improve in certain areas while thinking that some of our other skills are inherently weak. This can help us focus on our strengths, but it may also prevent us from growing in other areas, or even cause anxiety when we must face our weaknesses. 

Students with a fixed mindset are more sensitive to criticism, as they perceive it as an assessment of their permanent abilities. Growth mindset helps view challenges and criticism as opportunities to grow - by putting in effort, using good strategies, and relying on others. A growth-supporting attitude can improve one’s learning outcomes and encourage individuals to take on new challenges. Do you consider some of your abilities or traits inherently permanent? Where do you easily see opportunities to grow, develop, or even change? Do you dare to challenge this thinking if it doesn't serve your goals? 

Both self-compassion and growth mindset support learning. Whilst self-compassion helps one accept that some exercises or tasks are difficult, a growth mindset helps one remember that this is not permanent, and many skills can be developed if one so wishes. Self-compassion also helps one remember that imperfection is part of being human. If you're facing a challenging situation or want to take a risk that feels scary, could you harness a self-compassionate approach already in advance to support your growth?

Towards self-compassion

The results of the AllWell? questionnaire show that self-criticism is common among Aalto students. Some studies have found that the surrounding culture may contribute to the amount of self-compassion and self-criticism, depending on how these have traditionally been valued in the culture. It might be good to look at the culture of the university. Is self-criticism also common among the staff? In an environment where criticism is rampant, practicing self-compassion can feel challenging.

Compassionate pedagogy provides an essential perspective on this, delving into how a more compassionate attitude could and should be added to teaching. Valuing compassion as a professional quality and an element of the ethics of education could very well also help in the critical atmosphere of the university world, as Nyyti Ry's project The compassion in higher education has shown. On an individual level, you can start learning self-compassion with Aalto's Power of Self-compassion online course.

Self-compassion is not a quality you are born with but a skill that can be developed and practiced. In the same way we learn programming or languages, we can also develop how we speak and treat ourselves. Kristin Neff emphasizes that self-compassion is a practical and healthy skill that allows everyone to reduce their own suffering, in every situation, at any given moment.

References

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